


I Miss You Only Sometimes

by Carmenlire



Series: Beautiful and Damned [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, Drinking to Cope, Friends With Benefits, Idk you decide, Introspection, M/M, Mild Painplay, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, but like a smidge?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: He wonders how many more times he can do this before his heart just turns to ash and blows away like so much dust.He must’ve given Magnus every piece of his heart by now-- he feels empty enough for that-- but goddamnit if he isn’t the idiot that keeps going back for more.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Beautiful and Damned [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861291
Comments: 24
Kudos: 185





	I Miss You Only Sometimes

“What are we doing?”

Looking up from where he’d been replying to a work email, he takes in eyeliner that’s just as sharp as when they’d first entered the hotel room and can’t help but lift a brow. “Having fun,” he drawls before redirecting his attention back to answering a question about tomorrow’s board meeting.

“Just a little stress relief between friends?”

Without looking up, Alec huffs out a laughing scoff. “Exactly.”

Magnus turns back to him as he redoes his tie. His gaze is direct and part of Alec wonders if there’s a warning lurking in the brown. “And when one of us is no longer having fun?”

“Then we stop,” Alec replies easily enough as he tosses his phone on the bed and stretches before standing and reaching for his own now wrinkled pants.

“No hard feelings?”

Something crawls through Alec’s gut but he nods once, a little distracted, as he sees the time and realizes that he only has twenty minutes to get back to the office before he’s to meet with his marketing department. 

“No hard feelings,” he echoes and sets to work on trying to tame his hand-mussed hair.

He’s swimming in this feeling, in the warmth that seems to radiate from the man leaning over him, trailing from manicured hands and whispering along his skin with reverent lips.

Or maybe he’s sinking.

Drowning.

He’s overwhelmed and when he feels those lips curve into a wicked grin before biting down on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, his moan is desperate as he shudders in a hold that’s as ephemeral as it is secure.

“Darling, you have no idea what you do to me.”

The voice is hoarse, almost a plea if he deludes himself enough.

Over the rush of blood in his ears, he hears the low words of praise that follow and distantly, he wonders if maybe he shouldn’t let himself get so lost in another body, in this body, but he’s well aware that rules have no business near Magnus.

Not for the first time, he surrenders to the feelings that light up his bloodstream. All he can think of as Magnus digs fingers into his hips, as nails scrape down his side, is that it’s not enough.

He wants everything Magnus has to give and more.

Words slip and he’s perilously close to begging as he arches against Magnus. “Make it hurt,” he mutters and he’s barely aware of Magnus freezing above him, of the way his breath shudders in his chest as he hears Alec’s words.

“Alexander,” he asks quietly and Alec opens hazy eyes to focus on what he wants most.

“Want to feel you,” he whispers, trying to pull Magnus closer. “Want to remember this.”

Alec’s heart is a riot and he can’t catch his breath as he watches the way his confession washes over Magnus. Magnus blinks, trying to regain some semblance of rationality, before his gaze darkens.

Eyes falling closed as Magnus rests a hand over his heart, Alec’s hyper aware of Magnus’s voice and the way it’s tone is promise laden.

“Are you sure, darling?”

Alec’s nodding before Magnus’s is even finished speaking. Something calms in him as Magnus’s hand drifts to lay at the base of his throat. Anticipation makes him lightheaded. Too strung out for more, all Alec can do is repeat his simple request, making sure that they both know what he wants.

“Make it hurt. I like when it hurts,” Alec says again and his cheeks flush at the admission, at the unmistakable thing he wants.

But he opens his eyes to see Magnus looking down at him with what he’d almost call affection, if it wasn’t for the cruel shadow behind his eye.

Alec swallows hard but the tension bleeds from his spine as Magnus nods once and ducks close to lay an innocent kiss against his ear before he murmurs, “Red if you want me to stop, Alexander. In the meantime, brace yourself. I’ll make it hurt so good.”

His body feels too small for the feelings rising in him and, again, Alec wonders if he’s drowning or soaring.

His heart hurts but it’s mostly background noise these days. It’s almost impressive, he thinks, that these feelings don’t swallow him whole.

He wonders how many more times he can do this before his heart just turns to ash and blows away like so much dust. He must’ve given Magnus every piece of his heart by now-- he feels empty enough for that-- but goddamnit if he isn’t the idiot that keeps going back for more.

Waving his key card over the lock, Alec takes a deep breath before pushing the hotel door open. If the choice is between carving his heart from his chest to steal a few hours away with Magnus or giving him up altogether, then it isn’t really a choice at all.

However, when he steps into the room, instead of seeing Magnus already in bed or, as he’s wont to do, working on his laptop until Alec arrives, the man in question is standing in the middle of the room.

He looks a little lost but there’s a resolve in the set of his shoulders that Alec’s only ever seen across from the conference table.

“Magnus?”

Turning around at the sound of his voice, Magnus smiles but it’s nothing more than attempt, falling flat almost as soon as his mouth curves.

“Alexander.” Before Alec can open his mouth, he continues, “We need to talk.”

The room cloaks them in silence that’s a little deafening. Alec prepares himself for a long winded speech but he should have known that Magnus would surprise him.

“I think we should stop this, whatever this is.”

A dozen replies spring to Alec’s tongue but only a single word passes his lips. “Okay.”

Looking a little taken aback, Magnus falters for a split second before he raises a single brow and echoes, “Okay?”

Wracking his brain for what he can say-- and there’s so much that he wants to say, all these pretty words about how he only feels alive when he’s with Magnus, about how Magnus makes him want to try something real, about how he likes Magnus more than he should and how he might even go so far as to say he loves--

Well.

 _Too late now_ , Alec thinks and surprises himself with just how useless that realization is now, when Magnus has just called this entire thing of theirs off. Alec’s known as a bit of a coldhearted bastard and wryly he reflects that most would probably be surprised at his baser reaction to what’s become the end of his steadiest relationship.

There’s some pathetic sort of irony there, he’s sure, but fuck if Alec can find it right now.

Shrugging, Alec pulls on well practiced apathy and smiles, just a little. “We agreed from the start that we would end things as soon as one of us wanted to. I’ll always respect your decisions, Magnus.”

Nodding once as he parses over Alec’s words, Magnus returns his smile. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “Well, this was easier than I thought it’d be.”

He takes a step toward Alec, toward the exit, and Alec gives him his space, allowing him to pass. Eyes landing on his back, Alec clears his throat just as Magnus steps into the hall.

“Why,” he asks. “Color me curious,” he tacks on coolly, trying to hide just how desperate he is for an answer, for a reason why a chasm is growing in his chest.

Magnus doesn’t look back and the silence stretches until Alec can hear the echo of it snapping. Finally, so quiet that he barely hears, Magnus replies.

“It’s not fun anymore.”

He walks away and Alec’s left in an empty hotel room wondering why the hell he can’t ever seem to get it right.

He might be a little drunk.

It seems like everything’s come crashing down at once. He’d thrown himself into work since that little scene at the hotel last month but he’s caught up on all of his projects and he was starting to piss even himself off with avoidance.

His apartment is empty and he blames the rain for the way he feels both alone and lonely.

Scoffing to himself, he pours another glass and watches lightning crash against the skyline. He supposes that it’s about time that he had a normal reaction to what was, essentially, a break-up, even if they had never been official.

Maybe he could’ve come clean before the end, maybe if he had told Magnus that things had stopped being fun long before that afternoon, that it had stopped being no strings attached almost from the start, then things could have been different.

Or maybe, he thinks, it’s no one’s fault but circumstance. They both lead busy lives and they’d both agreed at the start that feelings could never come into play. It was Alec’s responsibility to keep his heart in check and his failure to do so has nothing to do with their little arrangement growing stale in Magnus’s eyes.

Frowning into his glass, everything’s blurry at the edges, in the way things only get when Alec desperately, hopelessly, wants to escape.

His head’s a fucking minefield.

Laughing to himself, Alec figures he should probably have his shit together more than he does.

It hits him, maybe for the first time or maybe for the hundredth, that he could’ve tried harder. But then, he’d tried more with Magnus than he had with anyone else and look where that had gotten him.

Maybe he’s just not built for relationships, Alec wonders, and knocks back the rest of his whiskey.

His stomach is warm and it burns all the way down.

He’s never been in love before but he thinks Magnus had to be his first. He’d never cared for someone so much, never wanted to put in the effort that he had with Magnus. He’s not good with feelings that can’t be pinned down but if there was a checklist on How to Know If It’s Love, then Alec figures he’d check most of the boxes off.

A lot of good it did him now.

Taking the evening to delve into these messy feelings that he’d really rather continue avoiding, Alec decides that he’ll pack them back up in the morning. He’s always been good at that, at putting his feelings into tidy little packages and making sure that nothing spills over.

Still, that means he has until he gets to the bottom of this goddamn bottle to try and work through his shit so Alec does what else he does best.

He acknowledges his feelings, labels them neatly, and resolves never to let them see the light of day again.

He leans against the railing and watches the water. It’s a calm spring day and he’s alone but not lonely. There’s a comfort to his own company that he’s never found with anyone else.

Alec doesn’t think he’ll ever find this quiet contentment with someone. He’s always been his own best company. A spot of stillness in the city, he sinks into himself with an easy sigh.

Business is good. Life is good. 

Things are looking up and as always, it’s upwards and onwards. It’s been most of a year since things ended with Magnus and Alec wonders that it’s like nothing ever happened.

Alec’s life is his own, just as he likes it. No one else has caught his eye and he doubts anyone will.

In the quiet moments, though, it’s easy to get lost in his head. It’s only ever during these little moments of solitude that Alec catches himself thinking _what if_.

His mouth curves into a smile. It’s a little sad but a part of Alec wonders if that’s just adulthood-- stacking up regrets against reality and finding the balance that lets him manage his sanity.

Huffing out a breath, he watches the river below. Lost in his thoughts, he murmurs, “I miss you only sometimes,” and figures that’s better than most.

It’s only these in between moments that graze over Alec’s idle loneliness. 

Alec’s a grown man and his life is as fulfilling as the next person’s. He doesn’t need someone else to light a fire under his ass and complete him.

He figures contentment is easily managed with the occasional lingering thought on what Magnus is doing, if he’s happy, if he ever thinks about Alec with the same melancholic whimsy.

Shaking his head to clear the dismal thoughts, Alec turns away from the river and starts to walk back towards home.

Phone on silent, he doesn’t notice the text message that comes through.

It’s a spark easily snuffed. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the match that burns the whole damn place down.

 _I miss you_.

**Author's Note:**

> cheers bro *clink* i'll drink to that
> 
> catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
